How Groups Work and Why you Feel Alone
One of my favorite essays is by C.S. Lewis, called The Inner Ring. It’s a wonderful reminder about how groups work and what’s going on in our heart and mind that makes us feel alone, or maybe makes us feel way too high on our pedestal. This is an overview of that essay with some words of encouragement.
_________________
Freshmen… don’t worry, 98% of the other freshmen at TU this semester feel just as alone as you do. No one is put together and everyone is battling those same fears you have about whether you are too involved, not involved enough, too weird, unseen, etc. etc. And guess what? So are the Sophomores and Juniors and Seniors — they’ve just learned how to play the “everything’s-alright-game” better then you.
Many of you come to RUF Large Group, or maybe you’re involved some other group, or perhaps notice this “Inner Ring” dynamic in another club, that there are people that seem to be “in” and you are not a part of that. Let me explain.
Here is Lewis’ hypothesis:
Whenever a person enters into a group the first thing they try to figure out is who is in and who is out. By “in” they mean, where is the Inner Ring. And by “out” they mean, who is not in that ring. In middle and high school you see groups identified as jocks, nerds, etc. etc. which demonstrates the same point.
When you come around a group like RUF, two things naturally happen:
- You recognize who is “in.”
- You figure out how you want to respond.
There are a couple of paths forward about what to do about that “in” group.
- You either try and get in, or at least get as close as you can.
- You get pissed off and internally flip off those that are “in.” You feel hurt and decide people are cliquey and they suck at being friendly and you make a vow to never show up again, or maybe find a few other people that you identify as “out” and complain to them about how awful this group is and how horrible and exclusive “those” people are.
If you go the former route, you are constantly on edge and worried about how to get in. You begin performing for particular people. You show up where they are. You put your best foot forward. You do all the spiritual things you think they want you to do, but really the aim of those spiritual things are not a love of God or for His glory, but they’re driven by a highjacked desire to be “in.”
For the unfortunate crew that actually gets “in” (in their mind) they quickly realize they love it, hop on their high horse, and begin stiff arming people away because they realize there’s only so much space in here.
If you go the latter route — the bitter / angry route — you live the rest of your college years (and beyond) with unresolved bitterness that’s going to wreck your heart and spread poison everywhere you go. Proverbs 16 says this, “27 A worthless man plots evil, and his speech is like a scorching fire. 28 A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends. 29 A man of violence entices his neighbor and leads him in a way that is not good.”
Solomon says the person who doesn’t get “in” is likely to go burn down a forest of relationships with their words, spreading strife and enticing others into violence. Sometimes the Bible doesn’t mince words. And it feels appropriate to heed them.
SO what is Lewis’ solution?
In some sense he tears down the entire idea. There is no “in” and “out.” That stuff is only in your heart and your heart’s desires need to be examined and humbly brought before the throne of God. What’s really going on is this… When you show up in your groups, whether RUF or elsewhere, your heart makes judgments about people as a way of self-protection. It’s our sin nature. Remember, your sinful heart is always aimed at preserving your self-righteousness, so other people are always the bad ones and you are always pure. That’s how my heart and yours are broken.
So when you find yourself feeling on the outside, check what your emotions are telling you. Have you only labeled other people bad to preserve your righteousness? If you are angry, don’t go burn down a forest, but instead bring your anger and sadness over feeling left out, to the Lord.
For those of you who feel “out” just remember you’re “in” with someone, so keep bringing more people into that. Reframe your experience of Large Group and realize there is no “in” but there are a lot of groups of friends who are sinners and saints. If you come in feeling entirely alone, then introduce yourself to someone and sit by them. Who knows where that will lead.
We all label people in our heads as mean and exclusive, sometimes because they are actively trying to make your life worse (and that’s a separate ordeal), but most of the time it’s because being angry at someone else feels a lot easier and better then being sad that you’re alone. The best thing to do when you’re alone is pray (or come talk to our staff and let us pray for you), try to meet people, share your feelings with trusted peers, or maybe it’s best to stay silent for a season before you go burn down a forrest with your resentment. Anger only feels good for a while, and that hard shell will eventually let you down.
Make it your goal to get to know one person really well this semester. Stop worrying about who’s in and who’s out. Seek first His Kingdom (of love) and all else will fall into place.
-Caleb
